


Aftermath

by hondansadeensommar



Series: Multifandom Hurt/Comfort Oneshots [11]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Concussions, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Medication, Memory Loss, Panic Attacks, Post-Concussion Syndrome, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 13:50:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19442710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hondansadeensommar/pseuds/hondansadeensommar
Summary: "The fact that you’re able to go to school and get through the whole day and then come here to the company building and try to push through hours of dance and vocal rehearsals is a miracle… no one is going to be upset with you for asking for help when you’re struggling.  Not when we can all see how hard you’re working to come back.”





	Aftermath

Jeongin took a deep breath, trying to calm down the anger at himself that had been slowly building up throughout the day.Logically, Jeongin _knew_ what the issue was - ever since his head injury, he’d been struggling with the after-effects of his concussion.While his vision had mostly corrected itself, he’d been sent to the optometrist as soon as he’d arrived back in Seoul after being cleared by his doctors to go back to work and school.Jeongin had left the office with a pair of trial contact lenses and prescriptions for both glasses and more lenses to correct his vision.But far worse was the fact that Jeongin was still struggling with his memory weeks later, and it wasn’t just his schoolwork that was being affected.

“Innie?” a soft voice asked, as someone put a hand on his shoulder.

“Please don’t, _hyung_ … don’t try and tell me that it’s okay…” Jeongin replied.

“We can reteach you…” Minho began.

“You shouldn’t _have_ to!That’s the problem, _hyung_ … I should _know_ this!”Jeongin felt guilty for yelling at the older man, but he couldn’t help himself.It had been a rough day; he’d gotten back several assignments at school that he’d done poorly on, including a math test he’d failed, and Jeongin had arrived at the company building late to be yelled at by a manager for forgetting that they were supposed to have a meeting before dance rehearsals began.Jeongin’s brain had already been overloaded by everything by the time they had begun dancing, and he’d quickly realized that ninety percent of the choreography for “District 9,” which they hadn’t run since Jeongin had been back, was completely gone. 

While it wasn’t the first song Jeongin haddiscovered he couldn’t completely remember, it was by far the worst loss Jeongin had experienced.Added onto all of the other stressors in his life that day, Jeongin was just too overwhelmed to deal with anything else.Jeongin could feel his heart starting to race as he began to mentally go through all of the ways he’d screwed up that day, and he dug his nails into the palms of his hands to try and give himself something else to focus on.Jeongin had realized fairly quickly after the panic attacks had started that giving himself something else to focus on would help get him out of the vicious cycle of bad thoughts that just got more and more out of control if he didn’t break himself out of that pattern.

“Come on, Innie… let’s go for a walk…” Chan commented, putting a hand on his other shoulder.

“I don’t _want_ to go for a walk… I just want to get this right!” Jeongin replied, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking off both of his _hyungs_.His brain wasn’t quieting down the way it usually did, and Jeongin instinctively reached up to pull at his hair instead.

“Hey, hey, don’t do that…”Jeongin felt someone prying his fingers out of his hair, pulling his hands away from his face.“You’re okay, Innie… it’s okay…”

“But it’s _not_ …”Jeongin let himself collapse to the floor, burying his face in his knees as he began to sob loudly, wrapping his arms around his knees.

“Should I get help, _hyung_ …?” Hyungjin’s voice asked softly, as Jeongin felt two of his _hyungs_ moving to sit on either side of him and put their arms around him.

“Just give us a few minutes, guys,” Chan replied, as he and someone else put their arms around Jeongin’s shoulders.“Go take a break somewhere else, okay?Woojin- _ah_ and I have this under control…”

Jeongin leaned against the other man, apparently Woojin, and let himself break down despite the fact that he felt embarrassed by his outburst.Jeongin didn’t want to be like this; he didn’t want to be confused and fighting against his own brain, but that seemed to be all he was capable of doing.

“It’s okay to be upset, Innie… just let it all out, okay?Get it all out…” Woojin commented softly, rubbing small circles on his back.

“No one is angry with you, _aegi_ … we’re worried about you,” Chan added, as the leader gently stroked a hand through his hair.

“Just breathe, okay, _aegi_?Just breathe,” Woojin instructed.

It took a while for Jeongin to calm down enough to stop crying, although he couldn’t stop the hiccups that started once he was calming down.Chan was quick to grab him a bottle of water, passing it to Jeongin so that he could take a few sips before either of the older men started to question him.

“Do you think you can talk to us, Innie?” Chan asked softly, once Jeongin had managed to sit himself up and cross his legs.He still couldn’t quite bring himself to look up at the older men, but he was at least able to let them see his face again.Jeongin nodded slowly, taking another sip of his water.“Can I see your hands?”

Jeongin shakily held out one of his hands to the older man, letting Chan turn it over so that he could see Jeongin’s palm.Jeongin knew that there were marks there from his fingernails, angry half-moons where Jeongin had nearly broken the skin.“ _Aish_ … Innie…”

Woojin carefully took the water bottle from Jeongin, before checking his other hand for more of the marks.“Why are you doing this, _aegi_?”

“It stops my brain from going so fast…” Jeongin replied.“If I can focus on something else, I don’t have to listen to all of the awful things going on in my head…”

“And hurting yourself gives you something else to focus on,” Chan supplied, when Jeongin didn’t immediately finish his thought.Jeongin nodded, closing his eyes.“You haven’t done anything worse than this, have you, Innie?I know you were pulling your hair, but you haven’t done anything more permanent…?”

Jeongin shook his head.“I’m not hurting myself, _hyung_ ,” Jeongin replied.

“But you are…” Woojin replied softly.“Digging your nails into your skin until it leaves a mark and pulling your hair out are self-harm behaviors, even if they don’t leave a permanent mark.”

“When did it start?” Chan asked softly, letting go of Jeongin’s hand and moving to play with his hair again.It was comforting, and Jeongin closed his eyes.

“After I got back from Busan,” Jeongin admitted.“I just… everything got so loud.I’ve been having a hard time with things that are supposed to be easy… I can’t remember things in our schedules, and I’m starting to fail tests at school, and I can’t even remember choreography… and I know it’s just a matter of time before I screw up so badly that you guys will tell me to go away…”

“Innie, we wouldn’t do that,” Woojin replied, squeezing Jeongin’s hand gently.“We would _never_ kick you out of the group or anything like that… you’re our _maknae_ , _aegi_ , and we love you.”

“Innie… you said you failed a test at school?” Chan asked.Jeongin nodded slowly.“Are you having trouble remembering things there, too?”

“I guess…” Jeongin replied, shrugging.“I thought I understood… I wouldn’t have taken the test if I didn’t.But things started getting jumbled up in my head while I was taking the test, and I guess I screwed things up…”

Woojin sighed.“ _Aegi_ … you’re still recovering from a traumatic brain injury…”

“It was just a concussion,” Jeongin interrupted.

“It’s still a brain injury, Innie,” Chan replied.“I know that your doctors in Busan said that you were fine to come back to work and they released you, but if you’re still struggling we need to know so that we can get you the help that you need.We can get you appointments here in Seoul with people who know how to help you…”

“It’s been over two months…” Jeongin replied.

“So?Innie, you couldn’t even tell us your birthdate when you first woke up,” Woojin reminded him.“You couldn’t _see_ … hell, for a while there we were worried that you might not even be able to _walk_ when they were trying to figure out how serious your injuries were.The fact that you’re able to go to school and get through the whole day and then come here to the company building and try to push through hours of dance and vocal rehearsals is a miracle… no one is going to be upset with you for asking for help when you’re struggling.Not when we can all see how hard you’re working to come back.”

Chan took a deep breath, rubbing the back of Jeongin’s neck.“It hasn’t officially been announced that you’re back from hiatus yet… we’re going to go to the company together - all three of us, okay? - and ask for them to get you in to see a neurologist here in Seoul.And we’re going to follow whatever recommendations they give us, so that you can get back to yourself.”

Jeongin nodded slowly.“Okay.”

“And we’re going to get you a therapist, so that you can figure out how to cope with being overwhelmed like this without hurting yourself,” Woojin added.Jeongin nodded, knowing that his _hyungs_ were only looking out for him.

“Right… I think we’re going to call this practice over, so that we can focus on getting you better,” Chan commented, standing up and holding out a hand to help Jeongin to his feet.Jeongin let the older men help him up, with Woojin handing him the bottle of water.“Are you okay to go with us to go to the managers?”

Jeongin nodded.“I can do this… I don’t want to keep feeling like this.”

***

“So… are we going to talk about what happened?” Felix asked, as the group sat at the table for dinner later that evening.Jeongin could see that the others looked uncomfortable with the question, although he knew that the whole group wanted to know what had set him off during rehearsal.They had all been sent straight back to the dorms after Jeongin, Chan, and Woojin’s conversation with the managers, and Jeongin hadn’t been able to help noticing that his _hyungs_ were being exceedingly careful with him and how they approached anything.

“Felix…” Chan warned.Jeongin could see that the eldest was shooting the others a look to tell them all to leave it alone, but that wasn’t really what Jeongin wanted.

“No… it’s okay, _hyung_ ,” Jeongin replied, shaking his head.“It’s… they need to know what’s going on…” 

“You don’t have to talk about it, Innie,” Chan replied, turning to look at him.“If you aren’t comfortable, you don’t have to say anything.”

“I’m okay, _hyung_ ,” Jeongin replied.Chan bit his bottom lip, nodding at Jeongin’s words and motioning for him to go ahead if he was comfortable with it.“I’m still having a really hard time with my memory, from the concussion… it isn’t just the dances, it’s _everything_.I forgot about the meeting this afternoon, and I’m having a hard time with school work… I just got frustrated with myself earlier, and I started to panic…”

Jeongin stopped, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.“Innie is going to need us to be understanding and to help him for a little while,” Chan added, putting a hand on Jeongin’s knee and squeezing it gently.“We don’t really know exactly what that’s going to look like yet… the company is going to get him an appointment with a neurologist here in Seoul, because we think the doctor in Busan may have released him from care too soon, as well as some kind of counselor to help him get his anxiety under control, before he does something that might hurt him.”

“You think it’s all related to the concussion?” Changbin asked.

“Innie said that it all started after he hit his head,” Chan replied.

“He has been different…” Minho began.Jeongin turned towards the older man, unsure of what he was talking about.“You’ve been quieter since you came back, Innie.I thought maybe it was that your head was hurting at first, but whenever we ask you say that you’re fine…”

“He has a bottle of ibuprofen in his bag…” Hyunjin added.Jeongin felt sick, closing his eyes as he realized that he’d been caught.Jeongin had taken a bottle from home and hidden it in his bag with his dance clothes, so that he could treat his headaches without having to bother his _hyungs_ or the managers about it.“I accidentally kicked his bag while we were cleaning up… maybe a third of them are gone…”

There was a moment of silence, before Jeongin felt someone putting a hand on his knee.“You’ve been medicating yourself?” Woojin asked softly.Jeongin nodded slowly. 

Chan sighed.“Innie… if you’re still having headaches, you should be resting…” Chan replied.Jeongin felt the leader putting an arm around his shoulders, sighing.“It’s okay to take medication to help, but you can’t use that to pretend that your symptoms don’t exist.You still have to take care of yourself…”

“ _Mianheyo_ , _hyungs_ ,” Jeongin replied softly.

“After dinner, I need you to hand over the bottle.And anything else you might have that you’re using to mask your symptoms so that you can go to school and work,” Chan commented.“If you need meds,you have to come to me, or to Woojin- _ah_ , or to one of the managers.We need to know what’s going on… you understand that, right?”Jeongin nodded.

“Maybe it would be a good idea if we kept you home tomorrow, so that we can get an idea of how bad it still is…” Woojin commented.

“I agree with Woojin- _ah_ ,” Chan added, effectively ending any conversation before it could even begin.“You’re staying home… at least for one day, so that we can figure out where you really are in terms of your recovery.”Jeongin nodded slowly, knowing that he deserved to be yelled at and punished for the fact that he’d been hiding his headaches from his _hyungs_.

“Right… I’m going to go with him to the doctor,” Woojin commented, before anyone else could add their own concerns to the growing list of things the other members had noticed about Jeongin’s behavior.“If there’s something else you’re worried about, let me know and I’ll make sure that it gets brought up.”

“They’re letting you go with him?” Minho asked, obviously surprised.

“Memory issues are part of the problem here… and we know what’s going on better than anyone else,” Chan replied.“We talked about it earlier, when Jeongin- _ah_ , Woojin- _ah_ , and I sat down to talk with the managers about what’s going on.They agreed that it would be better for one of us to go with Innie, to make sure that nothing gets missed.”

“But it’s just for the neurologist… just to make sure that the doctor knows everything that’s going on,” Woojin added.“The counseling appointments are a different story… that’s something that Innie will do on his own, unless he wants one of us to go with him for the first couple of sessions.”

There was a long moment of silence, before Felix spoke up again.“So what can we do right now to help?Is there anything you know of that makes you feel better, Innie?”

Jeongin turned to Chan quickly, unsure of how to answer the question.“It’s up to you, _aegi_ ,” Chan whispered, reaching out to squeeze Jeongin’s hand.“It might help you, to have the others know so that they can help you stop…”

Jeongin nodded, taking a deep breath and looking down at his lap.“When I start getting upset, I tend to hurt myself… I don’t do anything _bad_ , but I’ll dig my nails into my palm, or I’ll pull my hair…”Jeongin could hear some of his _hyungs_ making noises of surprise at his confession, and he felt sick to his stomach at the fact that something so minor was so worrying to them.“It isn’t a big deal…”

“ _Yah_ … it _is_ a big deal, though,” Changbin replied.“That kind of thing leads to even worse self-harm.What happens when pulling your hair or digging your nails into your palms isn’t enough to calm you down?Purposely causing yourself pain isn’t a healthy way to cope with whatever is going on in your head…”

Jeongin nodded, unable to look up at the older men.“We aren’t upset with you, Innie,” Seungmin commented.“We’re just worried about you.”

“Seungmin- _ah_ is right,” Chan replied, putting an arm around Jeongin’s shoulders.“We just want you to be healthy and happy… and right now, you aren’t either one of those things.We want to help you fix that.You know that, right?”

“Thank you, _hyungs_ ,” Jeongin replied, nodding slightly before letting his head rest against Chan’s shoulder and closing his eyes.

“Do you want to go lay down, Innie?” Chan asked softly, running a hand through Jeongin’s hair.Jeongin nodded slowly.“Go ahead, okay?You’ve had a long day, and you need your rest.”

Jeongin did as he was told, heading back towards his new room to get ready for bed.Everything had been rearranged while he was in Busan, so that Jeongin was sharing with Woojin and Felix rather than Jisung.The group had tried to come up with a better solution, but two beds wouldn’t fit in the small room he’d shared with his _hyung_ and Jisung hadn’t been able to sleep on the top bunk due to his fear of heights.But Jeongin sleeping on a top bunk was not an option, so Changbin had volunteered to switch rooms so that Jeongin could have his single bed in the other room.

“Are we sure that he hasn’t done anything worse?” Jeongin heard, as he started to leave to go into the bathroom and get ready for bed.Seungmin’s words stopped Jeongin in his tracks, listening to the conversation that was clearly happening behind his back.He couldn’t help feeling sick at the thought that his _hyungs_ were that worried about him.

“I haven’t checked him for any signs of other injuries, but I believe him,” Chan replied.“Innie didn’t even realize that what he was doing was self-harm… I think we’ve caught this in time to stop it before it gets out of hand and becomes something more serious.But I do think we need to keep an eye on him.He’s really fragile right now… and the last thing I think any of us want is for this to get worse.”

There was a moment of silence, before Changbin spoke up.“Should we ask if we can check?I don’t want to upset him, but I feel like we need to know for sure…”

“I don’t know… I don’t know what we need to do,” Chan admitted.“I’m not sure what’s going to make him more likely to hurt himself again, and what’s okay to ask of him.I have no idea what I’m doing here…”Jeongin closed his eyes, leaning against the wall and trying to force himself to take deep breaths and calm himself down.He knew that he was on the verge of breaking down into tears again, because he felt guilty for causing his leader so much stress.It wasn’t intentional, but Jeongin still felt awful about the fact that the rest of the group was worrying about _him_ again.

“ _Shit_ … Innie, it’s okay, _aegi_ …”Jeongin felt Felix pulling him into a hug, the older man’s arms tightening around him so that he couldn’t really move.Jeongin instinctively wrapped his arms around Felix’s waist, letting his head rest against the older man’s shoulder and just letting go of all of the tears that he’d been fighting back just a moment before.

“What’s going on?” Woojin asked, as he came into their bedroom as well.“Jeongin- _ah_?”

“I think he overheard Changbin- _hyung_ ’s question…” Felix replied.

“I promise I haven’t, _hyung_ …” Jeongin began, not letting go of Felix even though he was trying to talk to Woojin.“I’ll show you… I promise…”

“Hey, hey… it’s okay, Innie,” Woojin replied.“We believe you, okay?We just want to make sure that you’re safe…”Jeongin felt the older man rubbing small circles on his back, even as Felix continued to hold him.

Jeongin wasn’t sure how long the three of them stood there, before he was finally able to calm himself down enough to straighten up.“ _Mianheyo_ , _hyungs_ …” Jeongin whispered, sniffling slightly as Felix loosened his grip to allow him to stand up a bit more.

“I’d rather you cry on my shoulder for hours than hurt yourself,” Felix replied, smiling at him.“Do you feel better, Innie?”

“I want to show you guys that I’m not hurting myself…” Jeongin replied, pulling back from Felix so that he could roll back the sleeves of his shirt and let them see his arms, turning them over so that both of the older men could see that there were no marks on them.“I can show you my legs…”

“We believe you, Innie,” Woojin replied, shaking his head and reaching out to take Jeongin by the wrists.“You don’t have to prove it to us, okay?Changbin- _ah_ just wanted to make sure that we knew what to look for, because we all want to make sure that you’re safe.It isn’t that any of us don’t believe you… Changbin- _ah_ needed us to explain why we weren’t forcing you to show us your arms and legs, because he was scared that it was worse than we knew.”

Jeongin nodded slowly, taking a deep breath as he finally managed to calm himself down.“Okay…”

“Come on… you were going to shower, right?” Felix asked.Jeongin nodded.“Go shower and change, and when you come back I’ll lay with you until you can go to sleep, okay?”

Jeongin smiled at the suggestion.“Thank you, _hyung_.”

“Hey… we love you, _aegi_.Don’t forget that.”

***

Jeongin pulled his knees up to his chest as he curled up on the couch, letting his head rest on his knees and closing his eyes.While Jeongin was thankful that his manager had gotten him in with a neurologist quickly - someone at the company had pulled some strings to get him an appointment the same week, meaning that Jeongin ended up missing two days of school in a row - he was completely exhausted by everything that had happened.“Head hurting?” Chan’s voice asked softly, as the leader gently rubbed the back of Jeongin’s neck.He nodded slowly, not moving his head otherwise.Jeongin’s head was spinning from everything that had been discussed, and he was still trying to process all of it himself.

“It was a lot…” Woojin commented, from across the room.“They did draw blood to check for a couple of potential hormone issues, but the neurologist said that it’s most likely post-concussion syndrome and that it isn’t all that unusual to still have symptoms at this point.He did send Innie home with a couple of prescriptions to help with the symptoms.”

“What kind of medication?” Chan asked.

“Lorazepam for the insomnia and anxiety, and some painkillers for the headaches that are supposed to be easier on his system than what he’s been taking,” Woojin replied. 

“Insomnia? _Aish_ , he hasn’t been sleeping, either?”Jeongin felt the hand on the back of his neck pause, as Chan realized that Jeongin’s symptoms had been worse than most of the group had known.“ _Aegi_ … no wonder you’ve been having such a hard time…”Jeongin let Chan pull him into a hug, stroking his hair.“Can we go ahead and give him the painkillers for his head?I know we stopped him from taking anything yesterday to see how he did, but now that he’s being treated again I feel more comfortable giving him medication.”

“Manager- _hyung_ is picking up the prescriptions now… the doctor’s office had to call a couple of different pharmacies to find one that had both meds in stock that they could fill today,” Woojin replied.“The doctor wants him to start the lorazepam tonight, and the pain meds are going to be every four to six hours as needed.He’s also getting Innie a referral for a therapist that’s familiar with post-concussion mental issues to help him with the anxiety and hopefully the memory issues as well…”

“What about school and work?” Chan asked.

“He’s allowed to do what he feels up to doing, but he has to sleep… that’s the biggest thing the doctor is worried about, because sleep deprivation is just going to make his other symptoms worse,” Woojin replied.“The anxiety medication should help him sleep, which is why his doctor wants him to start tonight right before bed.”

“I want to go lay down,” Jeongin commented, standing up suddenly and leaving the living room to go lay down on his stomach, burying his face in his pillow.

“Innie?”Jeongin didn’t respond to Felix’s words.He couldn’t quite understand why, but Jeongin had suddenly felt overwhelmed by everything and he didn’t want his _hyungs_ to see him starting to cry for reasons he was unable to explain.“Jeongin- _ah_?”

“Let him be, Lix…” Woojin’s voice commented softly, from the doorway.Jeongin hadn’t even realized that the group’s eldest member had followed him when he’d walked out of the living room.“We just had a lot of information thrown at us, and I can’t even imagine how overwhelming this is for him, given how hard it is for me to understand.”

There was a brief moment of silence, before Jeongin felt someone stroking his hair again.“Innie?Is it okay if I lay with you for a while?” Felix asked.Jeongin nodded, moving over just enough to make space for Felix to join him in his bed.As soon as the older man was laying next to him, Jeongin moved to bury his face against Felix’s chest, with the older man’s arms wrapped around him.“I’ll watch over him for a while, _hyung_.”

“Try and sleep, Jeongin- _ah_ ,” Woojin’s voice commented, as Felix began to rub small circles on his back in a comforting gesture.

Jeongin didn’t remember falling asleep, but he could tell that it had been a while given the fact that the light had shifted significantly.Felix was still there, periodically stroking his back or his hair while looking at something on his phone.

“ _Hyung_?” Jeongin asked.

“Hey, Innie,” Felix replied, moving so that he was looking at Jeongin’s face.“How are you feeling?”

“Okay… what time is it?” Jeongin asked.

“Almost seven…” Felix began.

Jeongin shot up suddenly, realizing that it was more than two hours after they were supposed to be at the company building for their group rehearsals.“We’re late…”

“ _Yah_ … it’s okay, Innie,” Felix replied, sitting up and putting a hand on Jeongin’s knee.“Manager- _hyung_ gave us permission to stay home this afternoon - you were sleeping so peacefully, no one wanted to wake you up.I volunteered to stay behind to make sure that you ate dinner, took your meds, and went to bed on time.”

Jeongin relaxed at Felix’s words, closing his eyes and taking a couple of slow breaths to calm down his racing heart.“We aren’t in trouble?” Jeongin asked.

“Not at all… if it isn’t too late, I might go over to the company building after you go to bed, but everyone is more concerned with making sure that you’re okay,” Felix replied.“Speaking of which, how is your head?Woojin- _hyung_ said that you had a headache when you fell asleep on me…”

“It’s okay right now,” Jeongin replied, leaning back against the wall and crossing his legs.“It’s like a one or two… not bad enough to take anything.”

Felix nodded, standing up and smiling down at Jeongin.“Let’s go get something to eat… I’ll treat you to ramyun from the convenience store down the street.”

Jeongin smiled at the idea.“Can I get it with an egg, _hyung_?”

Felix shook his head, chuckling slightly at Jeongin’s question.“Of course you can have it with an egg,” the older man replied, holding out a hand to help Jeongin up.“Just don’t tell Seungmin- _ah_ or the _hyungs_ , okay?I’m supposed to feed you something decent.This’ll be our little secret.”

“Thanks, _hyung_.”


End file.
